The Situation
We made something we probably shouldn't have.
Legal reviewed it. Legal had… feedback.
So for now, all we can say is this:
it smells. on purpose.
RE: THE INCIDENT (DO NOT CIRCULATE)
Legal has reviewed the product and
strongly advises against describing
it out loud in mixed company.
The scents are, technically, “food-
adjacent.” The shape is not.
We have been asked to stop using the
phrase “for everyone.”
We are still using it.
What We Can Legally Show
these are the scents. not the product. the scents.
that new car smell from 1998. the specific one after you spilled a slurpee in the back seat. we nailed it.
wood smoke and regret. no actual fire included. probably.
technically a cake-adjacent olfactory experience. our lawyers used the word "adjacent."
you know exactly what this smells like. we are not sorry. not even a little.
a specific basement. a specific august in 1999. you will know exactly which one.
████ ████████ ████ ████. ███ ██████ ████ ██ ██████ ████.
* scent descriptions are olfactory approximations and do not constitute a warranty, guarantee, or implied promise of any kind. the gas station sushi card is currently under review by an unnamed third party. not our idea.
Answers to the Void
you had questions. we had lawyers. this is what survived.
It's a large, aggressively unnecessary scented display object created by people who should not have access to industrial manufacturing equipment.
Some people call it "modern art." Some people call it "a cry for help."
Aesthetically, we call it: "decor."
Legally, it's a dildo.
NO.
Not medically. Not spiritually. Not "just for a second." Not "ironically." Not because your friend dared you.
Smelldos are novelty display items only.
THIS IS NOT FOR INTERNAL USE. Not external-to-internal. Not partially internal. Not "just the tip." Not "for science." Not because you "read online silicone is safe."
If you ignore this warning, you are accepting full responsibility for every decision that led you to that moment.
Our legal team made us add: "Any insertion-related consequences are considered a skill issue."
Because Steve kept saying: "What if it lingered?"
Current fragrance inspirations include: stale bubble gum, warm electronics, suspicious fruit, regret, "limited edition warehouse incident."
Gary has formally objected to all of them.
Large enough to concern a neighbor. Small enough to qualify for standard shipping.
Approximately: "absolutely unnecessary" inches.
That's the aesthetic.
Every Smelldo is intentionally designed to look like: a failed energy drink campaign, a 1997 skate shop sticker, evidence recovered from a condemned arcade.
Nothing is clean. Nothing is subtle. Nothing is FDA-approved.
Let your nose guide you.
All are equally useless for internal applications. Seriously. We cannot stress this enough.
Legally: yes.
Emotionally: absolutely not.
Maintain eye contact. Double down. Tell them it's "streetwear-adjacent."
If necessary: blame Steve.
That's concerning. Again, it's a dildo.
Email us anyway. Gary already lost control of the inbox.
Still here.
people are already signing up. we genuinely don't know why. you probably shouldn't either. and yet.